Every so often it seems as if we get caught up in trying to live our lives a certain way, we lose ourselves in the process of doing so. Well today I am here to say, that I am lost. At the beginning of the year, as most of us are, I began the New Year in the typical optimistic form of “ new year, new me,” only I actually meant it! I set my goals, bought a new notebook, made a vision board, and man you couldn’t tell me nothing (Kanye plug). But somehow in between the moments of joy, optimism, and hopeful for a better new year, I have completely lost myself and the person I was once so happy I was becoming.
Throughout the early moments of 2015, I was plagued with non-stop migraines and chest pains that never really had a true meaning or cause. It all just sort of happened, the stress and anxiety that is. After weeks of appointments and tests which included multiple trips to the ER, an Echocardiogram (aka an ultrasound on my chest), a stress test, a few EKG’s (four to be exact maybe more, who knows), a CT, and absolutely nothing was found and everything appeared to be completely normal. *Chest and migraines still appearing*
So now it seems as if I’m a crazy person who needs to take meds to control my emotions that will help reduce stress, anxiety, and the pains in my chest. Wait what? But I’m not stressed, or crazy! Fighting for first place in the conference doing what I love, how could I possibly be stressed? Probably when I took the meds for a couple of weeks, my emotions leveled out, and the chest pains went away. Who knew...? I was stressed.
So I’m an optimist again! I’m taking my crazy meds, my chest is good, life is great! Until less than a month after basketball season ends you get the most unreal news of your life (that of which for personal reasons I cannot go into detail of). I felt like my life had turned into one of those really good Lifetime movies you love to indulge in on a Sunday evening after dinner, but not actually something you would ever imagine happening in your life, only it was. I couldn’t sleep, eat, or think for days.
But somehow like I always do through prayer and few counseling sessions, I made way out yet again. So here comes the optimist again! Yes, she’s back, and putting herself first! I decided a needed a change and fresh start which was one of my original goals for 2015. I was blessed with an amazing new opportunity to start a new life and a new job in Denver. Life is good, right?
Let’s see. I’ve been in Denver for about 100 days now. #100DaysHappy? Not so much. I am lost. Somewhere between the crazy meds and moving to Denver I have lost myself in trying to escape my problems as opposed to gaining strength by facing them. I thought starting a new life, in a new city the chest pains and everything else that preceded them would magically vanish. Instead however, they have followed me from the bubble(the bubble is real y'all #Berry).
Today we live in such a world where we have to be okay, and if you’re not okay, it’s not okay! You have to be fake about your feelings and go throughout your day, throughout your life as if it is, okay. Because if you’re not okay, and others know you’re not okay that means your weak. So instead, just act like you’re okay and that makes you strong. Or does it? Because I have been doing just that for some time and I feel nothing but weak.
Society today makes you feel like you are the only person experiencing any type of pain. This day in age, it’s all about the timeline and coming across has having it all together, even when you really don’t. Smile, post a selfie, and pretend as if your problems do not exist. But I am going to ignore my likes right now and be real for a second. The entire year I have been challenged, pushed, and battling the inner struggle to find happiness and be myself, like that for status update :)
I’m emotional, I’m struggling, and dealing with my problems each and everyday head on, like millions of other people out there. I don’t need attention, I don’t need sympathy. The only thing I crave is the need to be real, attack my problems, talk about them, and get past what’s holding me back.
If you’re reading this and you too find yourself facing an uphill battle, it’s okay not to be okay. It doesn’t make you weak! However, these past few months, I’ve also learned that hiding and running from them won’t make your circumstances any better. But, not being afraid to deal with them will.
And this is me being honest, being real, as I continually seek to improve my happiness and dealing with my personal issues that help myself first.